Happier :)

With a new week comes, hopefully, a new attitude -I've been very tired today, probably down to the fact that Steve's anti-sickness drugs come with "euphoria" as a main side effect, resulting in me being nudged several times between 2.00 and 6.00 this morning, along with the words "what shall we do?!"

It's the middle of the night. SLEEP is what we will do. But I just can't help finding it endearing, and end up responding with something like "word association game! Duck."

Needless to say, I am exhausted. But I feel a bit better this week, and have realised that even if we're wide awake throughout the night because of the weird and not so wonderful side effects, I don't resent him for one second, and we always end up in fits of giggles over something regardless of what time it might be.

I'm quite looking forward to tomorrow. Steve is one of those annoying people with a birthday on 22nd December, so tomorrow I'll be starting Christmas and birthday shopping. The only problem is I want to buy him everything. Things I know he wants (hardly anything) as well as things I know he'll probably have no use for at all. I'm really excited! Not that this has any relevance to... anything really. I'm just excited and wanted to share. Yay!

Just a short one today because I have a chocolate orange in the fridge and a lovely euphoric man pestering me for entertainment. I just wanted to let everyone know that we're both okay, because I was such a mess yesterday... but really, we're fine :)

I love you all. Xx

Chemo #2 and a bit of a whinge...

Hmmmm... Interesting couple of weeks.

Chemo #2 happened yesterday - Steve feels slightly worse this time than he did the first round, but is more fed up than anything. He's irritated that he can't even open the fridge without his face immediately stinging with pins and needles, and that we couldn't go for lunch with all our friends today because he feels sick and cold. He's not in loads of pain thank goodness, just very uncomfortable.

The chemo ward has to be the chirpiest ward at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital though - the fun we have! Honestly. It's not our first choice of places to be at 9.00 on a Saturday morning, but we already feel like we've made friends out of the staff and other patients. Everyone is so chatty and upbeat, you wouldn't think they're all being pumped full of chemicals.

I've been ridiculously emotional this last week and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but every day I've just wanted to scream.

I'm keeping as calm and composed as possible because the last thing I want is for Steve to know that I've had a tough couple of days. He is my priority and I refuse to let him worry about me, he's got enough on his plate.

I don't know if I was just getting worked up over the looming chemotherapy, knowing that my boy would be poorly for a good 10 days - or if it was people constantly wanting to know every single detail of our situation. Or if it's the pressure of trying to plan a wedding, move house and beat cancer all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I feel like I've hit breaking point this week. Except I haven't. I know I haven't - and I know I won't, because I need to keep being okay for my Steve. I just feel really angry with cancer.

I feel angry that me and Steve had only been together a few months when this thing reared it's head. I'm angry that the person I love more than anything in the world has to suffer. I'm angry that I can't do anything but sit and watch while he suffers. I'm angry that we have to plan everything we do for the next 6 months around chemo. I'm angry that we can't get a decent night's sleep anymore. I'm angry that I get sympathetic looks around the office (although I'd probably be the worst culprit for that if someone else was in our situation). I'm angry that just as some happiness came my way, someone up there decided they might not let me have it after all.

I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan though - there are also a million things I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful I've found my best friend and love of my life, cancer aside. I'm thankful that this cancer can, and will be beaten. I'm thankful to all the amazing people who have helped us in every way possible. I'm thankful for the incredible support network I've found because of this - people I truly consider my friends. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt about myself over the last few months. I'm thankful that my boy will never doubt how much I love him.

It breaks my heart that this is happening to us, but we're a team and I know we'll get through it.

Chemo and other fun...

Oh my goodness, lots to catch up on!

My birthday getaway turned out to be a trip to a 5* hotel in Chelsea with a lovely shopping trip (when I grow up I want to live in Selfridges) which was amazing, although the best part of my surprise was a beautiful engagement ring! The last couple of weeks have been spent visiting venues and buying every wedding magazine I can find. I'm a very excited girl!

Chemo started last Saturday - I could feel how nervous Steve was on the way to the hospital but yet again he amazed me with his courage and positive attitude.

It was all a bit nerve wracking and there was a lot of information to take in, but we were out of the hospital within 2 and a half hours - he'd managed fine until the last 15 minutes where the cannula was causing him a lot of pain but other than that he was brilliant.

He's since had chronic pins and needles everywhere including in his throat. He's been very sensitive to the cold and has felt quite sick, but that's all so far and the last couple of days he's felt much better.

It's horrible leaving in the mornings to go to work when he isn't well - I've been putting all his clothes, including gloves, socks and hat on the radiator as soon as I get up so they're nice and toasty for him when he gets up, making hot water bottles and boiling a full kettle before I leave so if they get too cold he won't have to wait long until there is plenty of hot water for a new one. I'm so paranoid that he's going to get too cold and have these horrible pins and needles!

Not much more to update you all on at the moment, will write again after next chemo!

Lots of love Xx

Update :)

I haven't written for a little while so thought I'd give you all a quick update!

Steve starts his chemotherapy on Saturday 3rd November. The drugs he will be given are:

• Oxaliplatin
• Capecitabine (Xeloda)

We've been told any side effects that occur will be treated as soon as physically possible which is reassuring, and although Steve has entered the SCOT trial (Short Course Oncology Therapy) we will not find out until the day of his first chemo whether or not he will be having 6 months of treatment or just 3. In the meantime he will need a CT scan and some other tests.

We are both apprehensive but also really keen to get chemo out the way so we can have a bit of normality back and get on with our lives - my brother moved to New Zealand recently and has a 2 week old baby, so when this is all over we are looking forward to booking a 3 week holiday over there!

The day of Steve's first chemo is also the day of our nephew's Christening, so we're hoping he won't be suffering too much so we're still able to make it - can anyone tell me if this is feasible?! Are we being naive in hoping he'll feel well enough to attend after session 1 of chemotherapy?

In other news, I have moved departments at work which makes me super happy! I really like the company I work for, but am definitely in need of a new challenge. I now have a lot more responsibility and need to know a lot of technical information which is a learning process, but I'm really excited about this. It also means I am working 8am - 4pm Monday to Friday, instead of 11am - 8pm Monday to Friday and every other weekend, which is amazing for us - also the fact that Steve's chemo will be 3-weekly on a Saturday means I can always be there with him, whereas if I hadn't moved departments this would not have been possible.

And one more thing... It's my birthday soooooon! Thursday 25th October will be my 22nd birthday. I'm off work Thursday to Sunday, and I know Steve is planning some sort of getaway but that's all I know! All a big mystery, so I'll fill you in on that this time next week! :)

Til then, lots of love & hugs.

Xx

Chemo Plan: Take 1

Lots of appointments today!

• Meeting with surgeon Mr H to check wounds and have stitches removed
• Meeting with stoma nurse
• Meeting with oncologist to find out the chemo plan

That's what we thought anyway...

First two appointments were fine, although some skin had started to grow over Steve's stitches so they were quite painful to remove!

The meeting with the oncologist was the one we were most apprehensive about. It was quite a shock to hear Steve would need chemo in the first place so we were looking forward to hearing the plan and being able to prepare.

But the oncologist didn't have much information for us apart from that chemo would be 3 weekly, for either 12 weeks or 24 weeks depending on whether or not Steve wants to take part in a trial meaning the cycle would be shorter than the standard.

Steve wants to be fit for my birthday at the end of October, so the oncologist said it's likely chemo will start the following week - about 4 weeks from now. No dates or names of drugs, and it felt like he didn't have a lot of time for us so we left quite quickly not knowing a lot more than we had when we arrived.

So not much to update everyone on really, but as soon as I do you'll all know about it :)

Just wanted to send all my love to my Twitter BC friends too... I'm completely overwhelmed by the love, support, kind words and help I've received from everyone I've been in touch with via Twitter, it's been absolutely incredible! I've noticed recently that some of my closest friends seem to have disappeared since Steve's diagnosis but people I've never even met have been unbelievable, so I'm really grateful for that and want to let everyone know how amazing they all are! Massive hugs!

Lots of love Xx

More results

So we got a phone call on Tuesday from Di. She said the tissue removed during Steve's surgery had been analysed and she had some results for us.

Out of the 29 lymph nodes removed, 3 are cancerous. This means there's a chance of some evil little cancer cells still floating about in Steve's body - this means chemo.

We were told the chances of chemo were slim because Steve's operation was the most drastic that could have been done, so it was likely all the cancer would be taken out. We were told back in July that the scans showed the cancer hadn't spread to any lymph nodes - I've since been told that there would be no way of knowing this until the histology was back from the operation.

She said it was unlikely that any cancer had been left behind as the whole tumour was removed, but chemo would assure that any stray cells would be destroyed.

We have an appointment in about 2 weeks when we'll find out the plan for chemo. Until then all we know is that it will be happening.

We both understand this and in the long run I'm sure we'll be thankful for it. But we'd been so convinced that this would all be over after the operation that we can't help feeling a bit let down and wounded by this news.

Steve's aim had been to reach the end of the 6-8 week recovery period from the surgery and get on with his life. Back to work, back to socialising, back to normality. Now we'd been given at least an extra 6 months on top of that. This seems so far away that we can't even see it. It feels like it's never ending and it's only been 3 months since we first went into hospital after the Isle of Wight Festival.

Just a bit of a rant really! This has been such a tough journey and I've felt so helpless all the way. All I want to do is take it all away from him and make this all go away and there's nothing I can do to make that happen.

I do understand it's for the best - the way I see it, doing chemo now means he hopefully won't have to go through any of this again in the future. Just can't help feeling a bit deflated by it all.

If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom they can offer, please do! Thank you.

Lots of love Xx

Second Biggest Cancer Killer... Really?!

I'd hardly ever even heard of bowel cancer until Steve's diagnosis. I knew it existed but that was about the extent of my knowledge of the disease. But now everywhere I look I'm seeing that it's the second biggest cancer killer. How is it possible that I knew so little about the symptoms?

It angers me that we know so little about this sort of cancer - I'm sure hundreds, if not thousands of lives would be saved each year if there was a bit more awareness of the many symptoms that can occur.

Maybe it's because there is still a stigma attached when it comes to talking about bottoms and poo. It's heartbreaking to think people die of this disease because they don't want to face 10 minutes of embarrassment at the doctors.

So, for anyone who just happens to have come across my blog and isn't aware of the symptoms, here are some of the most common ones:

• Rectal bleeding (bleeding from your bottom) if it persists for more than 3 weeks.
• Abdominal pain, especially if severe but also if it is constant, or comes and goes.
• A change in bowel habit - going more often, less often, looser stools or passing a clear mucus.
• A lump in your tummy.
• Unexplained tiredness, dizziness and breathlessness.
• Unexplained weight loss.

It is unlikely that most of these symptoms will mean bowel cancer, but any change is worth investigating, even just for peace of mind. Speak to your GP and make sure they take you seriously. Too many people are sent away without a second thought because they are "too young." There is no such thing as too young, so please take notice of what your body is telling you. It really is worth it.

P.S. I have to give credit to Bowel Cancer UK and Beating Bowel Cancer - both have been fantastic in raising awareness as well as providing help, information and support for myself and Steve, along with many others I know who are facing this battle.