Chemo #3 and recent things

Steve's 3rd chemotherapy session was nearly 3 weeks ago which means his next one is this Saturday.

After the last one, to say we're not looking forward to it is an understatement. Within seconds of the cannula being removed, Steve had to rush to the toilet to be sick, was sick on the way home from the hospital, and was sick every 15 minutes for the next 6 hours.

After about an hour of this, I called for a district nurse to administer an anti-sickness injection - we waited 4 hours for her to arrive, all the time Steve still being uncontrollably sick, and when she did arrive she discovered we hadn't been given the correct paperwork signed by a doctor to authorise her giving the injection. So she went away, and returned another 2 hours later having gone to the hospital herself to have something signed.

It was heartbreaking to see him so poorly - those few days following on from Chemo #3 were definitely some of the most emotional days we've had since the diagnosis.

Steve started to lose confidence in chemotherapy after being reassured so many times beforehand that any side effects would be treated immediately and this clearly not being the case this time. We've spoken to the doctors and nurses who have promised us this will not happen again, and have some different anti-sickness drugs on standby for Saturday and every treatment thereafter. I have also received some advice from friends regarding alternatives, e.g. to provide him with 24 hour anti-sickness among other things. (While I'm on that topic, thank you so much to everyone who has given me advice and recommended different things, I really do take it on board and discuss it with the doctors and nurses!)

After this Saturday, Steve will be half way through his intravenous sessions of chemo, so we are looking forward to reaching that milestone and being able to count down the remainder! Definitely going to plan an "end-of-chemo" party when it's all over!

Saying goodbye to 2012 and welcoming 2013 last night was strangely emotional. I'm struggling to put into words how I feel about the past year because it's been so full of love and happiness yet fear and heartbreak all at the same time.

I feel so lucky to have met my amazing husband-to-be and have had the time of my life with him, and I've also been heartbroken and scared more than I ever thought it possible to be. I've pictured spending my life with this person I love so much, and then I've had to picture it maybe not working out that way. I've learnt things about myself that I never would've known had this not happened to us, and I've been inspired by the selflessness of our amazing friends and family during the most difficult time of our lives. I've been disappointed in friends who I haven't heard a single word from since Steve's diagnosis in July, and massively appreciative of those who have been by our sides throughout. There are aspects of the past year that will still break my heart in 50 years time, but others that I will look back on for the rest of my life with the most love and happiness a person can possibly feel.

2013 is the year we are cancer-free, happily married, and ready to start our lives together properly. Here's to the next big adventure.

Xx

Chemo #2 and a bit of a whinge...

Hmmmm... Interesting couple of weeks.

Chemo #2 happened yesterday - Steve feels slightly worse this time than he did the first round, but is more fed up than anything. He's irritated that he can't even open the fridge without his face immediately stinging with pins and needles, and that we couldn't go for lunch with all our friends today because he feels sick and cold. He's not in loads of pain thank goodness, just very uncomfortable.

The chemo ward has to be the chirpiest ward at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital though - the fun we have! Honestly. It's not our first choice of places to be at 9.00 on a Saturday morning, but we already feel like we've made friends out of the staff and other patients. Everyone is so chatty and upbeat, you wouldn't think they're all being pumped full of chemicals.

I've been ridiculously emotional this last week and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but every day I've just wanted to scream.

I'm keeping as calm and composed as possible because the last thing I want is for Steve to know that I've had a tough couple of days. He is my priority and I refuse to let him worry about me, he's got enough on his plate.

I don't know if I was just getting worked up over the looming chemotherapy, knowing that my boy would be poorly for a good 10 days - or if it was people constantly wanting to know every single detail of our situation. Or if it's the pressure of trying to plan a wedding, move house and beat cancer all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I feel like I've hit breaking point this week. Except I haven't. I know I haven't - and I know I won't, because I need to keep being okay for my Steve. I just feel really angry with cancer.

I feel angry that me and Steve had only been together a few months when this thing reared it's head. I'm angry that the person I love more than anything in the world has to suffer. I'm angry that I can't do anything but sit and watch while he suffers. I'm angry that we have to plan everything we do for the next 6 months around chemo. I'm angry that we can't get a decent night's sleep anymore. I'm angry that I get sympathetic looks around the office (although I'd probably be the worst culprit for that if someone else was in our situation). I'm angry that just as some happiness came my way, someone up there decided they might not let me have it after all.

I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan though - there are also a million things I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful I've found my best friend and love of my life, cancer aside. I'm thankful that this cancer can, and will be beaten. I'm thankful to all the amazing people who have helped us in every way possible. I'm thankful for the incredible support network I've found because of this - people I truly consider my friends. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt about myself over the last few months. I'm thankful that my boy will never doubt how much I love him.

It breaks my heart that this is happening to us, but we're a team and I know we'll get through it.