News

I realised a couple of days ago that I'd completely forgotten about my blog during the chaos of the last few weeks. Sorry about that!

Where to start... We've moved into a beautiful new flat and are absolutely loving it! It was extremely stressful - work suddenly became hectic just as we were moving, Steve went on a stag do the weekend we moved (so I pretty much moved in by myself) and then I was on the hen do the following week, so this weekend has been our first full weekend in the flat together so there's been a lot of sorting out to do.

Health-wise, a throwaway comment from Steve about his neuropathy at his last pre-chemo caused quite an uproar among the chemo team... Apparently it shouldn't last more than 4 or 5 days, however there had been three and a half weeks since his previous treatment and he was still getting severe pins and needles.

Even after Steve's first chemo it lasted 8 days... Nobody had ever told us it shouldn't last that long! (Steve was almost as annoyed at finding out our parking tickets could be invalidated, instead of spending about stupid money every time we went to the hospital)!

The doctors are slightly concerned it may have caused permanent nerve damage, and have continued the capecitabine but stopped any more oxaliplatin infusions, which he's thrilled about as it's the infusions that make him so poorly. Only time will tell if there has been lasting damage but at the moment he isn't at all worried about this. Steve was about to have Infusion #7 out of 8, but apparently it's rare to make it past 6 and still feel well enough for any more, so they were happy to stop it there.

I was at work when Steve was told. We work for the same company, so when he returned to work from his pre-chemo, he popped into my office to let me know.

Steve had a lot of time after surgery and after each chemotherapy to think about what's happened to him in the last year and begin to accept it. I've worked all the way through, and have never really allowed myself to overthink it, apart from within this blog. So I've always envisioned the day we're told we don't have to go through anymore chemotherapy - it felt like it would never come. I knew Steve would say his thank-yous and leave the hospital quite happy, and I would be a blubbering mess on the floor when the relief smacked me in the face.

This isn't far from what happened. In the middle of the office. Brilliant. Luckily I was very close to finishing work for the day...

I immediately burst into tears and crumbled into him, like he did to me when he told me he had cancer, and cried about how happy I was he would never have to go through that again and how proud I was of him.

Needless to say, until my outburst, Steve had been quite pleased. But of course, as soon as I cried, he did. Along with half the office watching us. What a performance!

In other news, I've booked a ticket to Bowel Cancer UK's Patient Day! Steve isn't coming as he feels it will be too difficult, which I can understand because the way he deals with things is to know as little as possible and try to ignore what's happened. I'm really looking forward to meeting some of the wonderful people I've met through various charities and on Twitter.

It's been a very surreal experience and feels like it has gone on forever, however now we're nearing the end it chokes me up to think about the things we've gone through together in the last year.

Going through this has taught us so much about ourselves, and made us stronger than we ever thought it was possible to be. I've met some incredible people and feel like a better person for the things it has encouraged me to do.

Our wedding day is fast approaching and every day we talk about our future together, the children we can't wait for and the things we want to do. It's strange that something we've feared for so long, has somehow made us fearless at the same time. We know now that we can handle whatever life throws at us, and we are so excited to start our next chapter!

Watch this space :)

Loads of love as always

Gina Xx

Chemo #5 and Chemo #6... And life : )

Where has the time gone?! I've just realised I hadn't written a post after the last chemo session so this will be a bit of a catch-up.

Chemo #6 was yesterday... three quarters of the way through! GO US!

Steve was extremely tired afterwards and suffers a lot with the neuropathy, however apart from that he rarely has any complaints. From hearing other people's stories about chemotherapy and its' side effects, I have to say it seems we've got off quite lightly (bar Chemo #3 when it was absolutely horrendous).

The next two Chemo's are being delayed by a few days because we have stag/hen do's to attend, and then a wedding. Obviously we didn't want to jeopardise Steve's health at all, so we spoke to numerous doctors and nurses before deciding to delay the final two, however nobody seemed concerned about this. It's a shame the end of the course will be slightly delayed but Steve's lifelong friends are getting married in France and he wasn't going to miss that - this cancer has taken enough already!

In other news, our wedding plans are coming along beautifully and we are so excited. People would argue that there are zero positive things to come from being directly affected by cancer, but our wedding and our life afterwards is going to mean so much more to us because of it - we have been given a second chance and are absolutely going to make the most of it. While I'm on that topic, see our wedding website!! It's: http://steveandginagethitched.blogspot.co.uk/

I also want to say another huge thank you to everybody I've met through Twitter who have helped us through the most difficult times of our lives - Steve is apprehensive to speak to anybody else regarding his diagnosis which I can understand, however he's still benefited from your help massively because of the support you've given to m - it has helped me to be strong which in turn has helped him. I cannot explain the love I have for you all because of this. You're all inspirational :)


Lots of love Xx

Chemo #2 and a bit of a whinge...

Hmmmm... Interesting couple of weeks.

Chemo #2 happened yesterday - Steve feels slightly worse this time than he did the first round, but is more fed up than anything. He's irritated that he can't even open the fridge without his face immediately stinging with pins and needles, and that we couldn't go for lunch with all our friends today because he feels sick and cold. He's not in loads of pain thank goodness, just very uncomfortable.

The chemo ward has to be the chirpiest ward at the Royal Bournemouth Hospital though - the fun we have! Honestly. It's not our first choice of places to be at 9.00 on a Saturday morning, but we already feel like we've made friends out of the staff and other patients. Everyone is so chatty and upbeat, you wouldn't think they're all being pumped full of chemicals.

I've been ridiculously emotional this last week and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, but every day I've just wanted to scream.

I'm keeping as calm and composed as possible because the last thing I want is for Steve to know that I've had a tough couple of days. He is my priority and I refuse to let him worry about me, he's got enough on his plate.

I don't know if I was just getting worked up over the looming chemotherapy, knowing that my boy would be poorly for a good 10 days - or if it was people constantly wanting to know every single detail of our situation. Or if it's the pressure of trying to plan a wedding, move house and beat cancer all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I feel like I've hit breaking point this week. Except I haven't. I know I haven't - and I know I won't, because I need to keep being okay for my Steve. I just feel really angry with cancer.

I feel angry that me and Steve had only been together a few months when this thing reared it's head. I'm angry that the person I love more than anything in the world has to suffer. I'm angry that I can't do anything but sit and watch while he suffers. I'm angry that we have to plan everything we do for the next 6 months around chemo. I'm angry that we can't get a decent night's sleep anymore. I'm angry that I get sympathetic looks around the office (although I'd probably be the worst culprit for that if someone else was in our situation). I'm angry that just as some happiness came my way, someone up there decided they might not let me have it after all.

I don't want to sound like I'm just having a moan though - there are also a million things I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful I've found my best friend and love of my life, cancer aside. I'm thankful that this cancer can, and will be beaten. I'm thankful to all the amazing people who have helped us in every way possible. I'm thankful for the incredible support network I've found because of this - people I truly consider my friends. I'm thankful for the things I've learnt about myself over the last few months. I'm thankful that my boy will never doubt how much I love him.

It breaks my heart that this is happening to us, but we're a team and I know we'll get through it.

Chemo and other fun...

Oh my goodness, lots to catch up on!

My birthday getaway turned out to be a trip to a 5* hotel in Chelsea with a lovely shopping trip (when I grow up I want to live in Selfridges) which was amazing, although the best part of my surprise was a beautiful engagement ring! The last couple of weeks have been spent visiting venues and buying every wedding magazine I can find. I'm a very excited girl!

Chemo started last Saturday - I could feel how nervous Steve was on the way to the hospital but yet again he amazed me with his courage and positive attitude.

It was all a bit nerve wracking and there was a lot of information to take in, but we were out of the hospital within 2 and a half hours - he'd managed fine until the last 15 minutes where the cannula was causing him a lot of pain but other than that he was brilliant.

He's since had chronic pins and needles everywhere including in his throat. He's been very sensitive to the cold and has felt quite sick, but that's all so far and the last couple of days he's felt much better.

It's horrible leaving in the mornings to go to work when he isn't well - I've been putting all his clothes, including gloves, socks and hat on the radiator as soon as I get up so they're nice and toasty for him when he gets up, making hot water bottles and boiling a full kettle before I leave so if they get too cold he won't have to wait long until there is plenty of hot water for a new one. I'm so paranoid that he's going to get too cold and have these horrible pins and needles!

Not much more to update you all on at the moment, will write again after next chemo!

Lots of love Xx